Bullying or conflict?
| Criterion | Conflict | Bullying |
|---|---|---|
| Power | Both sides are balanced | There's a clear gap (numbers, size, status) |
| Repetition | One-off or occasional | Repeated and ongoing |
| Intent | Usually accidental or momentary | Deliberate harm |
| Outcome | Both are uncomfortable | One side is systematically afraid |
Signs to look for when a child isn't telling you
- Belongings going missing, being torn, or a rise in 'I dropped it' explanations.
- Not wanting to go to school; physical complaints in the morning.
- No friend's name ever coming up; nothing said about break or lunch.
- Changes in sleep and appetite, waking at night.
- Refusing a particular route or bus.
- A sudden retreat from phone and social media — or, conversely, compulsive checking.
When your child does tell you
- Don't interrupt and don't jump to solutions. The first conversation's job is showing that telling is safe.
- Measure your reaction. 'I'm going to the school tomorrow to sort this out' silences most children.
- Don't lay blame: 'what did you do to cause this?' puts responsibility on the person being harmed.
- Keep a concrete record: date, place, what happened, who saw it. This is what carries weight with the school.
- Share the plan with your child. A step taken without their knowledge breaks their sense of control.
How to work with the school
Putting the approach in writing, with a date, takes the process out of the hands of individuals. The usual order is class teacher, pastoral or safeguarding lead, then school leadership. What to ask for in the meeting is not punishment but a concrete plan: where and when supervision will increase, who your child goes to, and how often you'll get an update. Asking for a follow-up meeting in two weeks markedly increases the chance the plan is actually carried out.
Cyberbullying
- Screenshot before deleting: without a record, reporting is much harder.
- Don't reply; replying usually escalates.
- Use blocking and reporting features together.
- Removing the device entirely reads as punishment and makes a child less likely to tell you next time.
- If there are serious threats, sexual content or image sharing, this goes beyond the school — it's a police matter.
Common questions
Should I enrol my child in a martial art?
It can help confidence and body awareness, but shouldn't be offered as the solution to bullying. Bullying is a power-imbalance problem and its resolution lies with supervision of the environment; placing the load on the child alone isn't fair.
Should I speak to the other child's parents?
Usually not recommended. Direct contact between families often leads to defensiveness and escalation. Running it through the school creates a record and reduces the perception of taking sides.
What if my child is the one bullying?
Denial and heavy punishment both fail. The behaviour needs stopping clearly, there needs to be repair with the person harmed, and the reason behind it needs looking at — a significant proportion of children who bully are struggling somewhere themselves.
Is being excluded bullying?
If it's systematic and deliberate, yes: social exclusion is the most common form of relational bullying and its effect is no smaller than physical bullying. Because it's harder to spot, telling the teacher matters even more.